Day 6: Soul-crushing

I am so tired of this schedule.  I just don't think I can bear it much longer.  Every night at dinner, I am asked how my day went.  And for five days in a row, I say, "Just like yesterday...Just like yesterday..."  It's true--my day is EXACTLY the same for six school days in a row.  This always spans a weekend, and depending on the number of days in a week, sometimes two weekends.  It is interminable. And so. so. depressing.

I'm in a bad place right now.  My principal always talks to us about all the good we're doing, and how we can say we're just one little bolt riveter on the ship (it's a big, long analogy), or we can say that we build boats that carry our soldiers as they fight for our freedom.  So I can say that I'm a lowly, elementary librarian teaching the same damn thing six days in a row or I can say that I help grow children.

So I really try to keep this in mind: it's not my lessons that matter so much.  It's what the kids learn about themselves and the world around them that matters.  Except today, when I was teaching a fifth grade class.  For quite literally the 18th time, I was teaching the same lesson with the book Mirror, Mirror, which is on our state awards list.  Last rotation, I read it to them, and this time, they were performing one of the poems with a partner.

In all the classes, I talked about what it would look like when they were performing and what it would look like when they were in the audience.  One of the things we discussed, without incident in 17 classes of third, fourth, and fifth graders, was appropriate clapping.  A little chuckle and trying out of inappropriate clapping. Then back on track doing it appropriately.

Except this one fifth grade class.  One of the boys insisted on clapping with his palms cupped together.  As I tried to explain to him that this kind of clapping would not be appropriate at a poetry reading, he just kept doing it.  Once he told me he forgot, once he just shrugged, and when I said that I'd have to write a referral, he said, "for what?! Clapping?" When I asked if it would matter more if he were to get a referral for it, he said, "Not from you."

A referral for clapping does sound ridiculous.  But it wouldn't have been for clapping--it would've been for defiance.  During checkout time, this boy and two friends (for reasons unrelated to the clapping)  and I had a little sitdown.  It was there that he said, "I HATE YOU! EVERYBODY HATES YOU! THEY HATE COMING HERE!"

Woah.  Nothing like hearing that to make you question what you do every day.  I know that this boy has a lot of issues, and a lot of anger.  Things happened in his young life that should not ever happen to a child. Even though I know all this, his words still bother me.

His teacher came in around that time and I told her what happened--not the whole thing about the clapping, just what the boy said to me.  She acknowledged that he does say things to adults that are hurtful. (true)  And she also reminded him that he often feels this way and says these things when adults hold him to high standards. (very true)

So what do I do?  Lower my standards? Not expect as much from the kids?  Or the kids who come with all kinds of baggage? I just don't know.  But today I feel like I just cannot keep doing this schedule, this monotonous-same-thing-every-day-schedule for another. single. minute.